The Dementedly Chaotic Saga
by Vappa
Summary: Thomas is plotting, Moonbay and Irvine are kissing, and Hiltz does a flying Matrix-style kick... badly. Make sense? No? Good.
1. Chapter First

Ack, too much pain and despair and bloody darkness in all my stories. I need a pick up! Something fun, and utterly retarded. So, with that in mind, I give you:

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Zoids: The Dementedly Chaotic Saga 

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_Chapter First: Ohohohoho!_

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               'Twas a sunny morn on the planet Zi. The birds were singing, bees were buzzing, BEEK was beeping, some guy somewhere was snoring, you get the picture. At the edge of the desert lay a small town. Now, this was a boring-as-all-hell town, where a lost sandwich was cause for a massive search party. In any case, in this town was a house. In this house, was a family. In this family, was Van Flyheight. 

               Van, as everyone knows, is the hero of Zi! Yay! Today our hero is . . . asleep. In bed. Yay? Perhaps you _don't _know about Van though. Well, here's the lowdown.

Van was 14 when he left his boring-as-all-hell hometown, on his wheel-less flying skateboard. He was scooting across the desert without a helmet (naughty!) when he accidentally crashed into a Guysack. Unluckily for him, the owner of the Guysack was nearby, and was mighty pissed to find that his fresh paint job was all scratched. So, like a clever lad, Van shot out of there fast as he could go. Which, sadly enough, wasn't quite fast enough, considering he was being chased by a monster-Zoid that was big enough to eat him. 

Suddenly he smacked into a building. Rather than think about how stupid he was not to be looking at where he was going, Mr. Flyheight went inside aforementioned building. Passing storerooms, bedrooms, dining rooms, ballrooms, heirlooms, dressing rooms and bathrooms, he suddenly found a full-of-science-junk room. Being curious (or just plain nosey) he started pressing every damned button he came across. Of course, one of these buttons actually did something. SHOCK HORROR! An organoid popped out of a capsule nearby, and promptly attempted to eat Van. This just wasn't his day. 

But! In a brilliant plot twist, Van convinced the stupid thing that he liked it, and then it saved the day! Yay! They found some reject old Gundam . . . I mean, _Zoid_ . . . in the sand, and with a bit of elbow grease (and a lot of behind the scenes labour) they made it all shiny again. Van proceeded to kick the Guysack's sorry tail, and then gave the peace sign to absolutely no one in particular. Realising he'd dropped his keys back in the lab, he went back. He accidentally tripped over a cord and broke open the OTHER capsule, which held a young naked girl. This girl was rather stupid and didn't know who she was or where she came from or where all her clothes had gone. So Van decided to take her home as a souvenir for his sister (who ultimately didn't want her anyway). 

Anyway, to cut a ridiculously long story short, Van and Fiona (as the girl would soon be named after a princess in a movie Van had seen recently) went forth in the Shield Liger (which would also become a Blade Liger but nobody really cares) and proceeded to open many cans of whoop-ass on a huge list of "bad-guys", including such unfortunates as the dude in the Guysack (again), a washed-up Imperial officer called Karl, a man who looked like a woman, the bandit Irvine who was an enemy first then wasn't but still wanted the organoid really bad so it's kinda hard to pick which side he's on anyway, a psychopathic pretty-boy called Prozen, another psychopathic pretty-boy called Hiltz and a suicidal maniac child called Raven who has a really tragic past, honest, it's just that he can't remember it and could rival Van in the amounts of whoop-ass dispensed on his enemies. 

SO. Now you know about our hero (yay!) Van, we can continue the story. 

As I said roughly 500 words ago, Van was asleep on this sunny morn on planet Zi. He'd been out partying with the Guardian Force the night before and was thoroughly smashed. It was a wonder he'd gotten home at all. Fiona _had _warned him that alcohol could do strange things but seeing Thomas laugh at him then drink five shots of vodka just to spite him had gotten the better of his "conservative side". However, he wasn't going to be in la-la land for much longer. With a shrill beep, the alarm clock next to his bed went off. And it kept beeping. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep bee-SMASH!

There was a squeak and explosion of sparks from the clock where Van had leveled it with his fist. Groaning, he turned over and shoved his head under the pillow. _I feel terrible. Damn that Thomas. _Although, to tell you the truth, it wasn't really Thomas' fault. It's not like he forced Van into the drinking contest. And seeing as the Imperial had lost (rather spectacularly, falling unconscious at the table after the 17th shot) Van couldn't really go around blaming Thomas. Van didn't remember much of this though.

Still, he couldn't stay in bed any longer. The curtains were open and he was getting a splitting headache from the sunbeam right across his head. Getting up from the bed, he looked at the floor. _What is that traffic sign doing there? _

*FLASHBACK MODE* 

"Go on Van, take it down! Or are you chicken!" crowed Irvine from the other side of the street, swinging the bottle in his hand around and almost decking Moonbay. 

"Yeah do it! That sign insulted me today!" Karl called out. "I'll go over 60 m/ph if I damn well pleeeeeeease!" 

"Just shut up an' stop yelling at meh and I will!" Wobbling a bit on his feet, Van drew back the chainsaw and pulled the ripcord . . .

*END FLASHBACK MODE*

"Oh yeah . . ." he mumbled, then walked smack into the door. Still uncoordinated, that's our Van!

~*~

Wandering into the base that day, Van only crashed the Blade Liger five times before parking it correctly. As he got out, Fiona came running up to him, flapping her arms around wildly.

_Oh no, what now . . . _He thought despairingly. Fiona only brought BAD news. 

"VanVanVanVanVan!" she cried, bouncing on the spot as she came near him. "Something shockingly, awfully, HORRIBLY _BAD_ has just happened!" He sighed and pulled out his Gameboy.

"What is it?" he asked, pulling off a chain combo in Tetris.

"Prozen contacted us!"

"But Prozen's dead. I killed him good." Fiona blinked.

"Prozen contacted us!"

"But he's . . . oh screw it, take me there." Fiona squealed and dashed off ahead, and Van followed morosely, tripping over a piece of metal on the way.

~*~

Van walked into the communications room to find Karl (not looking so crash hot) watching a video monitor.

"What happen?" asked Van. Karl pointed at the red dot on the screen.

"Somebody set up us the bomb," he explained.  Thomas whirled around from his position at one of the terminals.

"We get signal."

"What!" cried Van.

"Main screen turn on." Thomas flipped a switch and the huge monitor in front of them and a person turned up onscreen. Van gasped.

"It's you!!" Gunther Prozen smirked evilly/sexily and inclined his head evilly/sexily.

"How are you gentlemen!!" He raised his hand palm up to show a little hologram clearly marked YOUR BASE. He smiled. "All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

Van slammed his fist into the table. "What you say!!"

"You have no chance to survive make your time." Prozen started to laugh like an insane evil/sexy thing. "HA HA HA HA . . ." And then the connection was cut off. Van seethed for a moment (still with a hangover) and started snapping out orders.

"Take off every 'zoid'!! You know what you doing. Move 'zoid'." As everyone scurried willy-nilly like confused gerbils, he raised his fist to his chest.

"For great justice," he said to no one in particular.

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Heehee, that was completely pointless! Oh, and that last paragraph was made entirely from the script of Zero Wing, which, as everybody know, started the ALL YOUR BASE fad. I suggest you look it up sometime. Educate yourself.

If there's a next time, I'll see you there!


	2. Chapter Next

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Zoids: The Dementedly Chaotic Saga 

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_Chapter Next: Time for some coherence_

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"Eeeee, Van, what'll we do, what'll we do, WHAT'LL WE DO?!?!"

"For God's sake Fiona, shut up a minute."

"BUT PROZEN'S ON THE MOVE AND-"

"Thomas, can I speak with you a second?"

"-AND IF HE GETS TO THE SECOND DEATHSAURER-"

"What is it Van?"

"-THEN WE'LL ALL BE DOOMED AND-"

"Can you please… *whispers*"

"-AND THEN I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND TRUE LO-*CLANG*" Fiona dropped to the ground and Thomas pocketed the frying pan. Van sighed in relief.

"Thanks."

"No problem. Usually I wouldn't do that to the one I love, but geez . . . buy her some more medication next time you go shopping."

"Yep, sure. Hey wait a second."

"What is it?"

"We never properly introduced everyone one into the story."

"They did you, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but let's face it, people don't idolise the hero. They prefer the supporting characters."

"True. Let's do that now."

~*~

Vappa: Hello. I'd like to apologize for the last episode. It was entirely self-serving and made no sense at all.

Kaworu (the muse): You also did not introduce everyone correctly.

Vappa: Yes I know that.

Kaworu: I was just making certain that you did.

Vappa: . . . you're cute when you're making certain of stuff.

Kaworu: *smile*

Vappa: In any case, I'll try and fix that situation now. Starting with . . . FIONA!

Fiona: Hello! My name is Fiona Alisi Linette, and I came from an egg! I'm an ancient Zoidian and my favourite pastimes are whining, fusing with Zoid cores and glomping Van!

Van: *looks scared*

Vappa: And now . . . THOMAS!

Thomas: I'm Thomas Richard Schubaltz, the over-looked, under-appreciated, techno genius. I pilot a Zoid too, but nobody really notices because of aforementioned reasons. My greatest skill is being fluent in the language of l33t! 2 00|_ 4 5|00|_!!

Karl: I'm the older, more important Schubaltz brother, Karl. Everybody likes me. Eveybody. Except for Prozen, but he doesn't count. He's a meanie.

Irvine: I'll trade you my personal details for your wallet.

Moonbay: Give me $5. Now.

Rudolph: I'm Emporer Rudolph of the Guylos Empire. I made underage gambling legal within five days *thumbs up*.

Doctor D: Is that a spare tire I see?

Hiltz: My name is Lucifer . . . uh, I mean, Hiltz. I'm just trying to make an honest living out of raping and pillaging the planet.

Prozen: I'm Gunther Prozen, your true and only God. BOW DOWN!

Raven: My name is Raven. *Points at Hiltz* You killed my father. Prepare to die. 

Hiltz: Bring it on, weakling.

Raven: Oh I'll bring it.

*MASSIVE SCUFFLE BREAKS OUT*

Kaworu: Oh dear.

Vappa: Um . . . SCENE BREAK!

*POOF*

~*~

*POOF*

Van blinked and looked at Thomas, who also blinked. "Uh, yeah . . . where were we?"

"I believe we were discussing why you have that wrench in your hand." He looked at the massive metal tool.

"Oh yes. You see . . ."

"We were ALSO discussing how all these large ripped areas appeared in my Di Bison." Noticing the extremely ugly look Thomas was giving him, Van dropped the wrench and ran like thunder. The Imperial looked after him with narrowed eyes and steepled his fingers in classic I'm-plotting-something-evil style.

"The day will come Van when I will have my revenge against you. No one, and I mean _no one_, steals my favourite Yu-Gi-Oh card and gets away with it."

~*~

Out in the desert, a lone Genobreaker was making its way across the featureless sand. Clomping along, it stomped on a stray bunny rabbit and then kept going. Inside the Genobreaker, Raven was having tea. Literally.

Taking another swig of his Earl Grey, Raven sighed and stared out the cockpit window. Absolutely nothing to look at. Suddenly he hurled his cup at the window where it smashed. "WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME?!" he howled to the only one who would (supposedly) listen, Shadow. The organoid made a non-committal noise and prepared for a very, _very_ long rant. 

"I mean, the ONLY thing I've done wrong is massacre thousands. Is that REALLY such a crime? I simply wish to rid this planet of those infernal hunks of metal called Zoids. I'm doing them a goddamned FAVOUR! And that Van, ooh, does HE get on my nerves. "Stop killing people Raven, it's WRONG". WELL EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING MR FANCY-PANTS! He comes nancing in, smashes up two of my Zoids, and expects ME to listen to HIM. What a jerk. The Empire hates me too. Just because I was in their damned army no less. I WAS HELPING! Then Prozen goes "Oh, I'm sorry Raven, I have to go take over the world. Could you feed my cat Plinky while I'm gone?" NO WAY IN HELL AM I FEEDING THAT DAMN CAT! IT BIT ME ONCE! Then he goes and DIES on me. What about MY needs? And to make matters WORSE, that stupid goddamn bitch Reese is following me around. FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, I'M NOT LENDING YOU A CUP OF SUGAR!"

He then burst into tears. "I'm so goddamned angst-ridden!" Shadow just snorted and ate some chips. This happened everyday at 2pm sharp. It would be over by 4:30.

~*~

"I AM AAAAAHHH, BAD SINGEEEEEER, IN THE WASTELAAAAAANDS . . ."

"Oh my God, shut up Moonbay! Or I'll smack you upside the head!" Moonbay pouted at Irvine.

"You never like anything I do."

"That's because you annoy the pants off me."

"I certainly hope so," she purred, stroking his face. Irvine flinched and smacked her away.

"Ewww, don't."

"Why not?"

"Because that's not scripted to happen until chapter 3," the bandit explained. Moonbay stopped, thankfully, and sat back in the seat of the Gustav. He'd had to wage a short, hair-pulling war to be able to pilot the thing, and he was beginning to regret it. At least if she'd been piloting she wouldn't be trying to touch him every five minutes. 

Why was he in this predicament? Well, you see, sadly his Lightning Saix had been totalled. How did it get totalled? He lost a bet, then refused to pay up. So the bastard had gone and used a massive flamethrower on it. It was only luck (whether good or bad, he wasn't sure) that Moonbay had found him the next day. 

In any case, they were trundling along a stretch of desert in an attempt to get to the nearest base without killing and/or kissing each other. It was proving to be quite a task.

"Moonbay! Are those my socks?" She blinked and looked at him innocently.

"Where?" He pointed.

"On your feet."

"Huh . . . I guess so." He glared at her.

"Give 'em back." She smiled at him.

"Come and get them."

Irvine stared at her for a moment. Then he lunged and started a serious pash-fest.

As the (out of order!) makeout party was underway, neither of the two noticed the Whale King fly past overhead. They were far too . . . _busy._

"You know I love my socks," he growled into Moonbay's hair. She giggled.

"Sock it to me Irvine! OOH!"

~*~

Meanwhile, up in the Whale King, Hiltz was pacing up and down outside a closed door, mumbling to himself. This was just great. The first time in months he actually wanted to talk to Prozen about something, and he was locked in his room doing goodness knows what. Whenever he _didn't_ want him around though, he was everywhere. Especially when he was making sandwiches. Boy, did that man know how to ruin a good peanut butter and chocolate spread combo. 

So, here he was, outside Prozen's door. He'd been here for at least an hour already. What on earth was he doing in there? Finally losing his temper, Hiltz started hammering on the door.

"PROZEN! I really need to talk with you!" A shout came from behind the door.

"Yeah, just a minute!"

Hiltz waited. And waited. And waited. And . . . *BAMBAMBAM* on the door.

"HELLO?! IT'S BEEN TEN MINUTES!"

"Just a second!"

~ Three hundred and ninety-two seconds later ~

"PROZEN, I'M COMING IN DAMN IT!" With that, Hiltz ran up to the door and did a flying Matrix-style kick. The door smashed open, and Hiltz fell over onto the floor, having not quite mastered flying Matrix-style kicks yet. Looking up, Hiltz was incredulous when he spotted Prozen. He got up, practically smoking from the ears and stormed over to the ex-Emporer-ex-Dark Kaiser.

"YOU'RE PLAYING ROGUE LEADER _AGAIN?!_" he screeched. Prozen didn't even look at him as he shot down another TIE fighter.

"Have some patience Hiltz." Trying not to have an anxiety attack, Hiltz pointed at the GameCube (trademark!) furiously.

"HOW CAN PLAYING THAT INFERNAL GAME ALL DAY HELP US TO DESTROY THE WORLD?!" 

Prozen gave him a weird look. "I'm only learning from the master: Darth Vader."

There was a loud crash as Hiltz's boot slammed into the GameCube and sent it flying into the wall. Prozen looked quite frankly shocked. And then . . .

He got slowly to his feet, and turned to look at Hiltz. His eyes were doing that freaky glowing thing he'd picked up from the DeathSaurer, and it probably wasn't a good sign. He glared at Hiltz menacingly.

"Don't you ever . . . interrupt . . . my game . . . again." And with a screaming war-cry, he lunged at Hiltz. What followed would best be described as one of those cartoon smoke clouds with random arms, legs, heads and stars coming out of it. And lots of swearing.

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Notes: Plinky the cat is named after Plinky the Prozen fan.

The language of l33t is difficult to learn, but very worth it. Y0|_| 937 17?

Kaworu, my muse, was borrowed from Evangelion . . . WITHOUT PERMISSION! AHAHAHA!

Raven drinks the Twinnings brand of Earl Grey tea to help him relax . . . except it obviously didn't work that time. 

The GameCube in this story was a professional stunt console, and wasn't injured by Hiltz's Boot of Doom.


End file.
